Gather round girls and boys. It's time for a story. It's a long one, so tuck in tight and let's roll.

So no shit. There I was, summer of 2006 waiting on September to come around for our first Iraq deployment. My roommate had a local fort Bragg stripper he was dating (go figure) and she was smooth as silkworm diarrhea. This girl could get my dumbass private friend to believe anything. Now, she was a sweetheart. Legit stripping her way through her nursing program, took care of her mother who battled cancer... all of the above in what makes a good chick, a good chick. 

Fast forward a few weeks we are having a party in the barracks. We have the usual ugly twin army beds with the wooden slated posts. My roomie has his woobie tied to all 4 corners of this bed to create a makeshift "fuck cover" so no one could see them churning the pussy butter. Out of nowhere, she starts to orgasm and then he screams out loud like a virgin trying anal for the first time. Let's fast forward another day or two.

Over the last few days my roomie had been super bragadocious about how he made this chick squirt. Mind you, I've been in the medical field for a while, and while I know the science about "the squirt" I wanted to forewarn him because he was excited about the next time seeing her. He was dead set on getting that "O" blasted in his face. I tried over and over warning him about the chemistry of what would be happening all over his nose, but he was more excited about his "first time G spot" bragging rights, that no form of factual conversation could ever be drilled into his skull.

So what does a good friend do? He invited everyone out to dinner on Friday night. (I offered to pay the bill for everyone... on an E-3 salary, mind you) so that should explain how determined I was to make this as epic as absolutely possible. We get to some shitty steakhouse in Fayetteville, NC and we enjoy drinking our tea (because we were ridiculously and obviously underage) and chewing down on some complimentary bread. 

I decide to have a challenge. Because you know a hard dick, young, junior enlisted soldier never backs down from a fight right? I order 4 plates of asparagus and bet that his girl could eat more than he could. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

They pound away at what could have been 3 pounds of asparagus and all I could do is sit back and keep taunting the waitress to keep the sweet tea coming by the pitcher. 4 plates of asparagus and arguably 2 gallons of sweet tea later, my buddy was vilified in his manhood, and his and her bellies were so bloated with sweet tea and asparagus, we didn't even make it to the actual meal. (Win for my wallet, right!?) 

So we leave. We head to the bar where we knew would serve us alcohol, and we drank all night. Finally sneaking past the CQ at around 2:30AM we get to the room for the after party. Me and our other roommate (who was well briefed on why these shenanigans were happening) hung around watching some dumbass anime show, knowing hat these two young "lovers" couldn't wait to get into the woobie style fuck tent and get to work.

Potentially the best part of this entire story is that they were making out in the hallway, making out walking to the bed, and went straight for it.

A good 20 minutes goes by and we could hear her engine revving up like she was gonna finally blow. And she did. It was like the sound of a Texas rainy day on a tin roof. She squirted all over the woobie above her, all over him, all over EVERYTHING! 

It was only a matter of minutes before the asparagus piss smell fumigated the entire room. It was fucking putrid. Like opening a conex full of dead cows in the middle of August heat. When I say it was bad, I mean it was FUCKING BAD!!!! She's screaming, he's screaming, me and the other roommate are on the hallways floor trying to escape but our legs didn't work because we were laughing so hard. 

Moral of the story. Be proud to get your woman off! Get at that thing like it's the finish line of he Boston marathon. But listen to the people who love you, because if you don't, you might get pissed on and never know the difference!